Love Is a Do

Love is a do. That simple thought has revolutionized my thinking. Some transparency here: It was the middle of COVID, with all of its restrictions and lock-downs and encroachments. And suddenly, my home, which had been my own private office/sanctuary/calm refuge had now become the entire family’s hub of interaction. My husband was now working from home. My daughter was back from college, remotely learning. Even the cat was constantly in my path. The entire family was together. All. The. Time. The irony is that I loved us all being together: family dinners, family walks, family discussion, but constant togetherness was depleting me. I am a self-professed extroverted introvert. What that means is that I love being around people, but I need that solitude to recharge. If I went into another room to unwind or to have quiet devotions, invariably ___ would follow. (Insert daughter, husband, cat, all of the above.) The walls seemed to close in. I know this was the case for everyone else too. But something triggered my thinking and feeling. I felt resentment, and I felt stifled. And this resentment was directed towards my husband. I knew completely that it wasn’t anything he was doing. I knew that the problem was in me. But as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, the resentment became its own virus in my heart, and the virus was spreading to my emotions and thoughts and feelings. I didn’t voice any of this, but the feeling shouted loudly and clearly. Anything and everything that he did became a source of irritation. And yet, he hadn’t changed. My feelings, however, had.

I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for direction. I prayed for a change of feelings. I knew the verses. “Be devoted to one another in love.” “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” “Above all, love each other deeply.” Oh, I knew the verses, and I would say them to myself, and I would pray about my feelings, but I continued down that path of resentment, feeling no love towards the very one that I loved! Crazy, I know, but true, never-the-less. It was frightening. And humbling.

Then one day, as I was reading my Bible, I saw this verse: “And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6) I know. There is nothing about feeling love in that verse. But one word hit me straight up: counselor. I had always thought of it as this supernatural counselor-spirit. And yes, he is that. But this time the word jumped out at me in a totally new way. God is my counselor, my marriage counselor. The previous days I had been reading through the Proverbs, and right from the start it talks about God as the source of all knowledge and wisdom, which was exactly what I needed. So I went to the source. I prayed out to him, “LORD, I need your counsel. I need your wisdom. I am struggling with my feelings here. Please, I need you to be my counselor. Be my marriage counselor.” I got out my notebook. I was serious about needing counseling. I sat there, ready for his counsel. And I’m telling you, as if audibly, he said, “Love is a do.” Okay, I thought. Weird. I scribbled it at the top of the page. So what do I do with that?? His voice went on. “Do love until your feelings catch up.” Okay again. So how do I do love?

Funny and amazing how God answers when we are really seeking. I turned to I Corinthians 13. I knew that was the famous “love” chapter. I wrote down what I saw: Love rejoices with others. Love puts the other above self. Love protects. Love trusts. Love hopes. Love perseveres. All verbs. The next day I “randomly” saw I Thessalonians 5:11. God’s wisdom again. – Love encourages. Love builds up. More verbs. It was becoming clear. Love is a do. I can do that, I thought. I can do love, even if I don’t feel love. Do love until my feelings catch up.

That day I started voicing out loud things my husband was doing for which I was thankful. He is ambitious. He is a loving father. His laugh is contagious. He vacuums the carpet. Some things were light, and some more serious. I made a point to literally tell him everyday something I was thankful for. Love encourages. Love builds up.

When the ever-present saga of slow internet heightened my husband’s work stress, I gave up my “rights” to the desk with the closest proximity to the router. Love puts the needs of the other above self.

When he was having a bigger learning curve than normal to his new work position due to remotely working, I voiced how genuinely confident I was that he would learn this new position. Love encourages. Love hopes.

When I would finish my on-line teaching, and he would walk over to ask what I was doing. I noticed it was to give him a much-needed break. I realized that he just enjoyed seeing me during his work day. Love thinks the best.

When I nervously told him the irrational resentment I had been feeling towards him during this confinement, he understood, and we agreed on times and places of solitude. Love trusts.

And like a virus that slowly gets better until one day you realize you’re well - the do gave way to the feeling. The virus of resentment had given way to an active love that opened the door to my feelings.

It was wonderful growth for me. Because, let’s face it, there will always be people out there who are very difficult to love. (And no, I am not talking about my husband now. 😊) But seriously, unlike my husband, there are people who are purposefully hurtful, who are arrogant, who are deceitful. And guess what? God calls us to love them. Love the unlovable. But how? We do. Our feelings are irrelevant here. It’s our actions that matter. Think about this: How do we know Jesus loves us? He came. He promised. He gave. He forgave. He suffered. He died. He continues to forgive, to teach, to hold, to shelter. Love is a do. My Savior doesn’t just say he loves me. He doesn’t just feel love for me. He does love. And so will I.